To Bidet or Not to Bidet? That is the question

THE WOODLANDS, TX -- I know that the topic may not be appealing to most, butt to get to the bottom of the issue, it needs to be talked about. Besides, I still need to lighten up, and this is a good segway to that happening. I’ve used a bidet for years, and have grown quite used to it. One of my friends, Don Turner (The Clean One), is a Japanophile; meaning he is someone who admires and likes Japan, and its culture. He even has a Japanese wife, and lived and worked in Japan for many years. Well, he recently shared with me his essay, ‘To Bidet, or Not to Bidet’.

Now, to understand Don, you have to think of Carl Reiner (in fact Don resembles him), and DT’s silly demeanor does in a way capture the spirit of Reiner’s comedic mentality. Reiner is well known for creating “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” and has so many other credits to his name that part of a museum in New York is dedicated to him.

“I realize this is a very sensitive subject butt (oops, but),” Turner wrote. “I feel ‘We The People’ must move into the 21st century. Yes, we can! Say it, “YES WE CAN”! We can walk around with clear and clean confidence and at the same time ‘Save Our Planet.’”

Turner is right in that we need to be more mindful in how we conduct our business down below. Personally, I can’t stay away from home for more than two days when traveling without missing my bidet. Don considers himself, as I do, to be a ‘Professional Bideter (or is it a Connoisseur Bidetist?).’ While I’ve been a ‘bideter’ for over half a decade, Turner has more than 30 years use to his credit, which he attributes to his ‘ultra-clean butt life.‘ And I’m sure both of our mothers would be proud of our clean and streakless underwear.

Japan has bidets on 80% of their toilets, butt the concept can be found in Europe, South America, and Asia. It's even catching on in Conroe. I recently found out that my sister in Conroe has a bidet installed at her house, after using mine. Add-on bidets, which are attachable to toilet bowls, make the installation and operating process so simple, and in some cases, you barely know it’s there. My bidets’ only show a small knob to the right. You twist one way, and it’s a feminine wash; twist the other way to clean, the, you know.

“I’ve been walking this planet with a clean hiney for many years,” wrote Turner. “Is that why I walk around with such confidence? Who knows, butt I have to admit I do give my bidet a lot of the credit while saving the forests.”

Don calls the 2020 COVID-19 lockdown period ‘The Great Toilet Paper Famine,’ which it was. If there was one thing I (along with hundreds of millions of others) learned from the pandemic was that TP is a precious commodity. The bidet, for me, went a long way in saving on toilet paper, and not having to join the toilet paper rat race that Americans delved into during that horrific period. It made sense to use a bidet, and since you had a lot of extra time on your hands, a little extra air drying never hurt.

Don’s bidet journey started in Japan when he lived there, plus he has had stays in North Africa, South American and Indonesia, locales where bidets are somewhat common.

“Americans might consider some of those countries to be backward,” wrote Don. “Butt I have to wonder who really is living a backward life.”

Granted, if you look online, pictures of some of the bidets around The World are not as simple, or in pristine condition as the add-on bidet that I, or Don may have, butt still they are there. And we can all be thankful that the technology has improved. We no longer have to depend on the corn cob, nor the Sears catalog.

Turner enthusiastically points out, “Everybody! I mean everybody, poops, so this is a cause we can all get behind! We can save the trees and tons of water also.” The passion of the man is most evident. “Be honest now, if a bird pooped on your hand, you wouldn’t wipe the poop off with tissue paper?” Don continued. “As a bare minimum, I hope you’d want to use water to clean your hand. So, why treat your butt differently?”

If there was ever a bidet philosopher, it's Don Turner. I spend about $10.75/month on toilet paper. Butt I’m not as disciplined as Turner who dries himself with just 6 squares. Truly, Don deserves some sort of ‘Environmental Patootie Award.’ We Americans use an astronomical 36.5 billion rolls of toilet paper every year (121 rolls/yr), and that number has probably grown exponentially since 2014.

I, like Turner, care about trees, and increased bidet usage would be more ecologically efficient. Don mentions some very interesting information in his essay, such as saving water with bidet use.

“It takes 37 gallons of water to make just one roll of toilet paper.” (Producing one roll of toilet paper also requires approximately 1.5 pounds of wood) Wrote Turner citing Scientific American. “In contrast, using a bidet only consumes about one pint of water. (And that’s no crap!)”

Turner shuns the French-style separate bidet (the unit that stands next to a toilet). “Those are crap!” Turner opined. “I mean who wants to ‘do their thing,’ and then have to waddle from the toilet over to the separate bidet, with your pants hanging down around your ankles?”

I use ‘GenieBidet Slow-Close Stealth Elongated Bidets,’ in my bathrooms. Turner is a fan as well. They allow for the seat to run flush to the bowl like any normal toilet seat. The first bidet I used had those spacers, which I did not like because they moved, and soon after ran across the GenieBidet. I haven’t looked back. There is something for everyone in bidet price ranges, all the way up to $2,000 combined units, that Turner says, “Will do everything except do the dry-off wiping for you.” It gives new meaning to the phrase, ‘Practical Luxury for a Magical Clean.’

At the end of his essay, Turners wrote out several notes. Yes, the man is an expert when it comes to bidets. “I have personally bought about 20 of the Genie Classic style for ourselves and friends,” wrote Don. “This model is simple and inexpensive, and the website even has an installation video for dummies. I like this style because the control knob is further back and away from the edge of the toilet.”

I have to admit, I wish I would have known of bidets long ago like Don. Bidet models are improving, and you can now buy bidets that have heated seats, warm flushing water, night lights, and even blow-dryers (which require a power source). Of course with kids around, bidet usage needs to be considered. You don’t want water all over the bathroom.

Bidets are easy to install in residences, butt in apartments, they may need to be installed by a licensed plumber. There are also considerations to be considered with certain types of toilet bowls, so do your research before purchasing. If you do purchase, it will take a little practice to get used to the feeling of being cleaned by water. Turner wrote “Learning how to efficiently use a bidet will take a little practice. It’s like learning how to hit a target with a bullet. You’ll quickly get it. Sometimes it even helps to move about a little. While washing yourself clean, maybe try doing a tiny Spanish Macaren dance while sitting there.”

Donald Turner is an eccentric gentleman, butt once you get to know him, he’s alright. He’s actually written two books about affairs. ‘The Foxtrot Affair: From Leningrad -To- Saint Pete,’ and ‘The Niagra Affair(s): Sequel To: The Foxtrot Affair.’

And who knows with Don. We may see a ‘bidet thriller’ out of him one day. ‘The Bidet Affair: From the Dining Table to the Toilet: A Prequel to The Foxtrot Affair.’

Ruben can be reached at: ruben@montgomerycountynews.net